Jesus Can Suck It

With Ash Wednesday almost over I’ve made no Lenten promises. Just as well. In no way, large or small, have I been the sort of reflective, repentant, renunciationitive* Christian my parents and community of worship has taught me to be during this finite time each year.

I didn’t go to church for ashing (sloth). My diet consisted of potato chips, ice scream sandwiches, chocolate, and soda pop (gluttony). I ruminated over hawt Mz. Molly freezing her ass in Rockefeller Center (envy). I overly enjoyed the visage of my sparkly daughter in her sparkly hippster hat (pride). I stole kisses from an unwilling 9 YO boy (greed). I pinched the hubster’s behiney while he did dishes (c’mon who wouldn’t lust over all those clean dishes!).

AND THEN – I dropped $3.04 and the F bomb at Sonic. Ignoring the fact that the fam is on a spending freeze and I shouldn’t even be enjoying Happy Hour, I wanted an iced tea. We nearly hit 90 degrees today! When it came, I asked if the car hop brought sugar. “You should have asked for that when you ordered.” What? I just tipped the bitchette a buck. She can’t give me some damn sugar with a smile? “I’d like a packet of sugar,” I insisted. Clearly unhappy, the carhop walks away in a manner I’m sure my parents recall from 1985 or so. Not that I would ever have rolled my eyes at a dorky adult who couldn’t order right. The car hop returns later with pink packets. Pink packets! Is she TRYING to give me Alzheimer’s? “No thanks,” I say. Then as I turn to back up I say “I just wanted some fucking sugar” to the slushy grins of my children. Rooster plucking mother trucker! (WRATH ALL OVER THE PLACE.)

You know, I haven’t eaten red meat today. That’s always a good Lenten promise. Okay. Phew! I feel all better now. I love you Jesus!

* Okay, I made that word up because I love alliteration. It just goes to show (internal rhyme) how much I suck at Lent as I ignore all the rules.

4 thoughts on “Jesus Can Suck It

  1. ultimate says:

    All parents eventually make up ways to get around dropping the F-Bomb. Eventually, you make a deal with your children to pay them $5 every time you use a $5 word. But $5 words are expensive and eventually it will lead to bankruptcy, moral if not financial.

  2. HAWT Mz. Molly says:

    wow, “jesus can suck it.” what a way to enter the season, my friend. as my new bff would say, “yum-o!” well, maybe not so much my bff as my wishful bff. aahhh, jealousy in the lenten season.
    btw, gotta steal the HAWT now.

  3. Jack in New Orleans says:

    It is an inevitability of life that, in your mind, someone you grew up with will always be the same age. You will always be, I don’t know, 8 or 9 years old to me. Imagine how funny it is to picture my 9 year old sister behind the wheel of her car shouting, “I just wanted some fucking sugar!” at a carhop in some Tucson Sonic. HA!

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