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Christmas Giving

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Now that we’ve gotten past the food and many of us have exorcised our inner shopping demons, I’d like to provide, as so many others have, alternative thoughts on gift giving at Christmas. My brother-in-law has requested a no spending policy between our families this season and I’m more than pleased to oblige. We did agree that no spending could mean finding our inner craftster, however, I’m unlikely to make this for his kiddos:


This Tampon Angel arrived in my Facebook inbox from a most unlikely source. I’m not saying it’s my Senior Warden because if she had wanted folks to know about her inner subversive, surely she would have posted it on her own wall. Then again I told her I wanted to post it post-turkey and with her reply of, “I dare ya!” she cast herself as a provocateur. For this reason, I will allude to the identity of the sender rather than state outright it was the Senior Warden, who would also have you know about the Grace St. Paul Alternative Christmas Fair on December 13. Last year they had Just Coffee, handmade items, and sales that benefited not-for-profit organizations.

Wise Bread also offers strategies to keep you in budget this year. If you are considering pulling out the plastic, consult this post from Pimp Your Finances. Man Vs. Debt challenges his giving policy — something most of us can afford to reexamine.

Christmas shouldn’t be a drag. I plan to get my kiddos that Shoot ‘Em Up Pet Shop Pokémon Heavy Metal Glitter Goo-gaw. I certainly learned from my own family that getting that one oh so materialistic as to be painfully obscene gift does bring joy to all involved. I also know that the Christmas we had relatively few presents, but ate a huge breakfast and watched black and white footage from my dad’s childhood was one of my favorite Christmases — though I liked the Barbie Dream House too.

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Thanksgiving Post

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When I posted the 9 YO boy’s Tucson Winter, I went on a search of Just Another Banana’s bog because I remember she ran to the bird sanctuary one snowy day to snap some photos. I couldn’t find her snowy cacti pictures, so I went to the school’s Web site to see if they had possibly loaded some. Instead I took a trip down memory lane.

That place is special and is where community for me first burst into full bloom. One person has an idea, another does research, yet another gathers the supplies, and before you know it, you’re placing the tiles for a human sundial.


I love that hat.

You can see how the project proceeded here. Follow the links for the human sundial. Maybe check out the plan identifier links too. You’ll see photos of Fungal Heart’s eldest.

We can all consider this my Thanksgiving post as it’s way full of the gratitudinal mush one wold expect this time of year.

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Girl Scout Cookie Season

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Cookie season is a major event for the girls in green. They love the excitement and enticements that accompany those sales. In Arizona, boxes are slightly more expensive because they offer so many scholarships to the girls. Last year, our troop sales were incredible and we paid for visits to Build-a-Bear, Rocks and Ropes, and Camp Creepenstein, as well as donating boxes of cookies and cash, and still they put aside a large chunk for later. I hate cookie season.

I have trouble selling the boxes, trouble chasing down the folks who ordered boxes, trouble getting money for the distributed boxes, and worst of all trouble with the self-control of the two adults living under my roof. But the season is here and tonight the Girl Scout leaders for the 7-YO’s troop launched into the various incentives for the girls, possible ways to promote the cookies, and the TONS of (annoying but necessary) rules. I hate rules. They confuse me.

Brownie Leader: You wouldn’t believe some of the things that have happened. For example, parents were taking the cash from the sales and writing bogus checks to the Council, so there’s a rule about that. Also, when staffing a booth, parents can’t stand off to the side smoking and yacking away.

Me: Well, I don’t smoke but the yacking sounds fun.

Magic: A friend of mine just returned from Brazil with a ton of slides.

Me: Oh, I guess I’d be interested in a slide show.

Magic: No. I mean we could take the cookie money and go to Brazil. HELLO?!

Okay, Magic didn’t actually say, “HELLO?!” to my face, but I would have if I were her. See? Rules confuse me. I’d like to take the cash, write a check, and stand off to the side yacking about Brazillion trips.

Redacted part where I propose purchasing cookies for personal, non-profit, and government uses, and paying in cash. Then I make a snarky comment that if my kid sells 3000 boxes ($12,000 in value), she gets a lap top.

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Egreting

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Hey, look there. What’s that?


I see an egret! It’s as big as the 7 YO!


Look through your binoculars and you can see it too.


We got within 10 yards of the egret before it flew away…


… to perch atop this tree on the other side of the lake. I bet we could get closer.


Maybe right up in the tree, even.


Big ol’ dumb adults chased it away.


Good bye, Egret.

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A Family Portrait

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We went on a hike. It was beautiful. I loved my family and the overcast day and all the creatures great and small whose paths we encountered. I wanted to capture the moment. I wanted a family photo. Maybe not this one.


The 9 YO looks genuinely happy, but the rest of us don’t appear enthusiastic. This isn’t the moment I had hoped to capture. We tried again.


Oops. Darn timer. One more time.


We could do better.


And here we lose the 9 YO. Nevermind. Some moments are best preserved in memory alone.

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Criminal Quotes

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The poet, Populist Pugilist, is a criminal public defender. By that I mean he is a public defender of criminals and not a public defender who is criminally inclined. I’m pretty sure that’s what he is. Yes, he’s ridiculously principled. If he wasn’t my friend, I’d shrivel away from the brilliant light cast by his steadfast honor and dignity. He’s also smart, compassionate, and far, far away. He’s missed at Thanksgiving.

On the other hand, his job and his ear for poo and/or sage advice has provided the Universe with a great deal of entertainment in the form of his daily quotes. I’ve determined they belong in a collection so while I haven’t copyrighted anything on this site, please know I will hunt you down, plant incriminating evidence, call the cops and make sure you have a lousy lawyer. Or, I’ll just let Populist deal with you. If I haven’t mentioned it, he’s a Brazilian kickboxing mo fo with a pitt bull’s determination. So, you know, you’ve been warned. This poo is copyrighted because I said so and I’m pretty sure that’s the only standard that needs to be met.

Without further ado, Populist’s first collected court quotes:

  • “No jury will believe I was moving that kind of weight. We’re in the middle of a recession.”
  • “The $6500 in my pocket was to pay the rent tomorrow, the 30 bags of heroin were for personal use, and I carry four cell phones so my girlfriends and my wife won’t call me on the same phone.”
  • “Thank your lawyer. He fought hard and did a good job for you. And follow his advice. I say that in part because I believe he gives good advice, and in part because I overheard him telling you that you should never drive again.”
  • “I agree with you counselor, but the legislature has strangled me. Which is a separate crime now, by the way.”
  • “I can’t imagine that a law enforcement officer would find evidence hidden away somewhere and then claim that he saw it in plain view.” — an Asst. U.S. Atty.
  • “Well, she should have come to court, but I’m not worried about finding your client, counselor. Looks like she gets pulled over about once a week.”

I can’t pick a favorite, but I do admire the thought process of the guy who justifies his flimsy defense with the current state of the economy. That dude watches the news! I also find the guy who excuses his large stashes of cash, drugs, and phones with seemingly normal lifestyle choices to be steeped in logic. Such rationality could be put to use in more honorable pursuits, I’m sure. It is reassuring to know that Populist is there helping these guys out and apparently at least two judges agree.

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Class Dismissed

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I channeled Miss Emily Litela today as a parent chaperone on a field trip to the subversive produce mecca of the 17th Street Market, though I didn’t realize it at the time. For those of you not fortunate enough to be reared by parents who worked late into the night, thus allowing you unfettered access to comedians like the brilliant Gilda Radner, take a gander:

Oh, Big Brother and I spent hours dotting and crossing on Mom’s chalkboard! Perhaps this goes some distance explaining why I’m such a teacher groupie, or why I adore the cardigan, or why I can’t pee in the ocean. I think this skit was probably the inspiration behind my brother and I silently, or loudly, saying, “Vacuum!” to one another, though we did occasionally say, “Olive juice,” as well. There was no sport in letting our parents presume we liked each other. Our alliance was forged in secret. Such subversiveness allowed us far more nefarious activity than we otherwise would have enjoyed. When Big Brother is watching over you, you get to hang out at Expresso Royale. Oh, yes. And it went without saying there was nary a snitch about our willfully impious cherry vanilla Italian sodas or peppermint tea brewed in a French press. OUI!

That must have been when all went wrong. Espresso Royale, secret codes, and Miss Emily Litella. “Vacuum? I just did it yesterday. F*** you? Oh. That’s different! Nevermind.” But today was about olive juice with the kid I can actually claim to love in public without Olympic eye gymnastics. Hawt Mz invited us to name our favorite part of the market. Just because I played rugby doesn’t make me a fish fan, but I gotta say the fish monger was my favorite. Brett must have known because he took a picture. And looky who’s there with me!

Yes! I looked deep into the eyes of Emily Litella and hadn’t a clue as she and I mirrored each other’s every move and gesture and indoctrinating comment to future voters of America. At the same time, I think I’m an adequate foil to Hawt Mz, who made fun of me for taking my group to the frozen food isle to admire the ice cream and define decadent for first and second grade students. That’s right! They can’t hear POTUS tell them to stay in school, but it’s totally cool for Emily Litella to define decadent. And that my friends, is nefarious.

RebL Books

Such Summer Reading

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If you were paying attention, I attempted to record in my widgets the books the kids and I read this summer. I didn’t do such a great job. The kids read at night when it was too dark for me to see them and it is such a PITA (pain in the ass – via a Solar Rock pal) for them to speak to me, much less tell me what they read. I didn’t do much better recording the books I read. For example, I read a book from the Dear Dumb Diary series and thought it was hi-LAR-ious. Still, I neglected to list it. Nor did I list The Tale of Despereaux. So, I pretty much suck at record keeping. In this case, not such a big deal. In the case of immunization records, such a big deal.

By far our favorite was Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events series. I must admit, the books aren’t without drawbacks. It’s highly predictable and repetitive, and is critical of the Water Cycle. On the other hand, I enjoyed the Dantesque undertones and the cameos of Melville, Voltaire, Congreve, Woolf, Flaubert, Beckett, and many, many others. Also, the kids and I have been discussing what makes a villain or volunteer. Are you a bad guy if you tell a lie, commit a tiny bit of manslaughter (or at least assault), or neglect to care for your fingernails?

We have yet to read the final book — The End. We don’t have to overly savor that book. In 2012, when my kids insist the world will end in spite of my years, YEARS, of experience with such bogus predictions, all of which I survived, Lemony Snicket is scheduled to present a new four-book series. Between The End and the end (2012), I’ll be attempting to read through all the Newbery Award winners. Care to join me?

***

Summer reads that I managed to compile in a list-y, link-y format (will someone please return them to the bookshelf?):
The Invention of Hugo Cabret – 9 YO & Mom
A Series of Unfortunate Events, Books 1-12 – ALL
Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Basil – 7 & 9 YOs
The Trumpet of the Swan – ALL
Is That A Sick Cat In Your Backpack? – 9 YO
Sound Off! #1 (DANIEL BOOM AKA LOUD BOY) – 9 YO
Howtoons: The Possibilities Are Endless! – 9 YO
Coraline: The Graphic Novel – 7 YO
A.L.I.E.E.E.N. – 7 & 9 YOs
Fashion Kitty and the Unlikely Hero – 7 YO
Sardine in Outer Space 2 – 9 YO
Babymouse #3: Beach Babe – 7 YO
Little Vampire – 9 YO
Babymouse #4: Rock Star – 7 YO Warriors Super Edition: Firestar’s Quest – 9 YO & Mom
Rapunzel’s Revenge – 7 YO
Animorphs #37: The Weakness – 9 YO
In FAIRYLAND. With the Text of The Princess Nobody. Edited & with a Foreword by Cary Wilkins. – 7 YO
Stink: Book 1 – 9 YO
The Twelve Dancing Princesses – 7 YO
Nasty Nature (Horrible Science) – 9 YO
Flat Stanley – 7 YO
Star Wars, Episode III – Revenge of the Sith – 9 YO
Transformers: Beast Wars: The Gathering – 9 YO